I’ve been mulling over this post and how to word it for quite a while now. It’s tough to explain, probably tough to understand. This will probably be a ramble.
This has been going on for months now and I’m starting to feel increasingly isolated. I have never felt so alone in my life. There is only so much you can realistically do in my current situation before you’re just going over old territory. I’m finding ways to actually waste time now – playing games until they reach the point of tedium, playing bass until my fingers blister and take days to heal. I’ve got no artistic inspiration at all 90% of the time at the moment, I sit down to make something on photoshop, sit down with some paper in front of me or pick up my guitar and nothing comes out.
What makes things even worse is not being able to leave. Things have calmed down a bit, enough for me to really be pining for the outdoors. I want to go out and go for a coffee in town, I want to go and sit on the cycle path – I’d be happy just sitting out in the car park for a bit. Even though the weather is crap. I want to be able to be around people and have fun again. Thanks to a couple of my closest friends I get a little bit of social time each week – I don’t know what I’d do without episode night on Mondays, the occasional band practice on Sundays (when we can afford it) and the occasional visits from friends.
It really drives the knife deeper and furthers the downer when I see posts and pictures on facebook of my friends out and about doing fun stuff, going to the pub, going out and about, going to gigs… all the stuff that I am craving so badly at the moment. It affects me to the point where I have even considered jacking in facebook, closing it and not bothering. Then I realise – as sad as it is – that facebook is one of my only conduits to the outside world at the moment. Short of looking out of the window. That’s probably why I post so much random crap in to my feed at the moment.
It isn’t easy for others to understand either. I’m often irritable, unpredictable, increasingly paranoid/anxious (generally that people are avoiding me, even though I know this isn’t true, it’s an intrusive thought) – coupled with the fact that I am genuinely scared about the surgery coming up just under two months now. I’m getting a lot of the same reactions I get when i am panicky or scared, I’m having extreme aversions to being touched in certain places again (like my neck for instance) – I’m ratty with people for little or no reason, the list goes on. Or of course that word that gets me every time at the moment “grumpy”. How do you explain to somebody that you aren’t doing this on purpose and that poking at it only seems to make it worse. No I’m not “grumpy”, I feel like I am actually losing my mind!
Wikipedia defines “Cabin Fever” as:
“…a claustrophobic reaction that takes place when a person or group is isolated and/or shut in a small space, with nothing to do for an extended period. Cabin fever describes the extreme irritability and restlessness a person may feel in these situations.”
If that’s the case then we have our culprit. Ever since the temporary wheelchair broke and I’ve been waiting for the replacement I have been feeling increasingly trapped. The flat seems to decrease in size a tiny bit every day. All of this is spurring on a slow-burning depression. There have been so many moments when I’ve had thoughts along the lines of “Fuck it, I got by before, I’ll just put my boots on, risk the stairs and try and go outside and walk/fall/crawl around”. I know it’s a terrible idea, I know I would end up injured or possibly worse (as we live next to a main road) but it would be worth it, in some stupid self-indulgent way. Just to break the monotony, you know.
I know this post probably seems a little melodramatic, but I feel the need to at least try and put this in to words.
Attached a pic to see if it makes the blog post look a little more interesting on the facebook link.