Little Steps and Big Jumps
I’m so glad things finally seem to be waning a little. I haven’t been having attacks so frequently for a little while now and the general frequency of the tics is finally on a downward trajectory. Unfortunately the tics themselves aren’t changing much, they are still bloody violent – just often a little calmer in frequency than they were before. So I’m still stuck in a wheelchair, wearing a helmet and occasionally hanging upside down squirting tea out of my nose… all of what’s become the norm at the moment! (The tea thing happened this morning when I hyperextended with a mouthful of berry tea!)
But I feel strangely proud of myself at the moment – I’ve taken a lot of small and big steps in the last few weeks!
The first one was obvious – the Wedding! But to be honest I cheated a LOT there – I think I hit either my maximum dose or one tablet off of my maximum dose of Diazepam in order to keep me calm. But I did it! I sat in front of a room full of one hundred people, ticcing my head off even though I was so full of Benzos I could hardly spell my own name, and managed to get married! Typical luck though, a few moments before Holly entered the room I ticced and sliced a little chunk out of my forehead with my thumb nail – so I have a cut and some blood in all of my wedding photos! The reception was the same – I managed to keep myself pretty calm through the same means, with added Codeine because I was hurting so much after the wedding part.
The next ones were all on the Honeymoon!
I managed to go out in public, in a fairly crowded high street and not have an attack. My tics were still pretty intense though and I had to listen to Holl when she told me to take my meds etc, but I still did it! Then there was the fact that we managed to eat out together in the hotel restaurant – true, in the mornings they were nice enough to let us have the closed off part to ourselves – but aside from one of the evenings where I started to hit attack level I managed to keep myself in line. (Again with the Diazepam, but nowhere near as much as I would have needed a few months ago)
The latest one was that a few days ago I managed to finally get out in my hometown for a bit. I was really reluctant to go out – as stupid as it probably sounds I feel incredibly embarrassed. It was different in Paignton – I will never see those people again, I was more willing to jump in and try and get out. But I feel a lot more self conscious in my own town, it sounds weird and it’s hard to explain what I am actually getting at. I stayed pretty much in one place (the cafe part of the lovely Green Shop) but it was a little first step, being around people.
I’m going to stop here instead of rambling on – I’m feeling a little positive right now!
I may post again before the 6th, or I may not. I will likely be posting a lot less from here on out for a while anyway. If not wish me luck and I will see you on the other side! 😛
There will also be a certain subject missing from subsequent posts – I am not going to be writing publicly about that for a while for personal and other reasons. I do intend to keep posting a running commentary of things but publishing them privately until a later date when I will make them public. I know this probably sounds really cryptic and weird but I assure you that the reasons are genuinely good ones.