Little Steps and Big Jumps

I’m so glad things finally seem to be waning a little.  I haven’t been having attacks so frequently for a little while now and the general frequency of the tics is finally on a downward trajectory.  Unfortunately the tics themselves aren’t changing much, they are still bloody violent – just often a little calmer in frequency than they were before.  So I’m still stuck in a wheelchair, wearing a helmet and occasionally hanging upside down squirting tea out of my nose… all of what’s become the norm at the moment! (The tea thing happened this morning when I hyperextended with a mouthful of berry tea!)

But I feel strangely proud of myself at the moment – I’ve taken a lot of small and big steps in the last few weeks!

The first one was obvious – the Wedding!  But to be honest I cheated a LOT there – I think I hit either my maximum dose or one tablet off of my maximum dose of Diazepam in order to keep me calm.  But I did it!  I sat in front of a room full of one hundred people, ticcing my head off even though I was so full of Benzos I could hardly spell my own name, and managed to get married!  Typical luck though, a few moments before Holly entered the room I ticced and sliced a little chunk out of my forehead with my thumb nail – so I have a cut and some blood in all of my wedding photos!  The reception was the same – I managed to keep myself pretty calm through the same means, with added Codeine because I was hurting so much after the wedding part.

The next ones were all on the Honeymoon!
I managed to go out in public, in a fairly crowded high street and not have an attack.  My tics were still pretty intense though and I had to listen to Holl when she told me to take my meds etc, but I still did it!  Then there was the fact that we managed to eat out together in the hotel restaurant – true, in the mornings they were nice enough to let us have the closed off part to ourselves – but aside from one of the evenings where I started to hit attack level I managed to keep myself in line. (Again with the Diazepam, but nowhere near as much as I would have needed a few months ago)

The latest one was that a few days ago I managed to finally get out in my hometown for a bit.  I was really reluctant to go out – as stupid as it probably sounds I feel incredibly embarrassed.  It was different in Paignton – I will never see those people again, I was more willing to jump in and try and get out.  But I feel a lot more self conscious in my own town, it sounds weird and it’s hard to explain what I am actually getting at.  I stayed pretty much in one place (the cafe part of the lovely Green Shop) but it was a little first step, being around people. 

I’m going to stop here instead of rambling on – I’m feeling a little positive right now!  

I may post again before the 6th, or I may not.  I will likely be posting a lot less from here on out for a while anyway.  If not wish me luck and I will see you on the other side! 😛  

There will also be a certain subject missing from subsequent posts – I am not going to be writing publicly about that for a while for personal and other reasons.  I do intend to keep posting a running commentary of things but publishing them privately until a later date when I will make them public.  I know this probably sounds really cryptic and weird but I assure you that the reasons are genuinely good ones.

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About unexpectedmonkeys

My name is Al, I was diagnosed with Tourette’s Syndrome in my mid teens and it has definitely not improved with time! I’ve discovered how interesting it can make life but I’ve always tried to keep a positive attitude and keep moving forwards.

One response to “Little Steps and Big Jumps”

  1. matsxe says :

    Any improvement is good improvement buddy 🙂 Keep on fighting 🙂

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