This is horrible.

I have never been so nervous about anything in my life.  I’m actually scared.  It’s so rare that I’m scared.  I feel completely overloaded by everything.  The smallest negative stimuli are sending me into a spiral of panic.  Even the tics are acting strange.  I’m ticcing but nowhere near as much as it feels like I should be right now.

I don’t feel like I can do anything, I feel incapable of doing simple things like making decisions over what to eat, making decisions over anything.  I just want to be alone one moment, around people the next.  It feels like everything inside my head is shaking loose.  I can’t even communicate with my other half properly… I don’t want to be touched a lot right now.  Even a hug feels like too much, it makes me panic and recede even further inside myself.  Then the next moment all I want is a hug and human contact.

No butterflies, it feels like there is an adrenaline filled lead ball in my stomach.  I can’t cope with this right now.  I’m trying to distract myself with things but nothing is keeping me completely numb for long enough.  I feel sick if I don’t eat.  I feel sick if I eat.

One moment it feels like I want to curl up in a pathetic little ball shivering, and the next it feels like I’m on the verge of having a rage attack.  I’m ranting and raving at people and things online, I’ll write a massive angry reply to something and then delete it a second later feeling stupid, then a second later I wish I’d left if there.

Intrusive thoughts are in overdrive, and then they aren’t.  Everything is full one one minute and then fine the next.  I’m normal, I’m spiralling out of control, normal, spiralling out of control.  This is confusing and above all this is terrifying.

Sorry for the absolute gibberish.

 

Edit:

That went downhill very quickly.  I think the tics were worse than I thought, they don’t register until they get back these days.  It turned very quickly into an fairly intense attack.  I decided to catch a video of it before the medications kicked in.  My webcam seems to have very low or no sound but that might be because I hit the webcam against a lot of stuff trying to put it next to me, not easy in that state.  I may remove the video later as I am very embarrassed by my tics when they are like this.  Finally beginning to get calm now.  Very sweaty and tired.

Another edit:

Point raised on facebook: the reason that the chair doesn’t tip over is because it has a set of stabilisers built into the back of it to (hopefully) prevent me from tipping it.

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About unexpectedmonkeys

My name is Al, I was diagnosed with Tourette’s Syndrome in my mid teens and it has definitely not improved with time! I’ve discovered how interesting it can make life but I’ve always tried to keep a positive attitude and keep moving forwards.

6 responses to “This is horrible.”

  1. matsxe says :

    Fucking hell man 😦 I wish there was something I could do it fucking kills to see you going through this!! The only thing I can offer is my ears and eyes man, you know where I’m at if you need to talk things out! My love to you and Holl xx

    • unexpectedmonkeys says :

      Thanks dude and don’t worry, it’s slowly waning. I feel like hopefully the worst of this current bad one is behind me (fingers crossed). Just gotta keep looking to the future. Always here for you when you need it as well bud 🙂

  2. matsxe says :

    That like was a dislike if you get my drift…

  3. The Howling Fantogs says :

    Looks like you’re having a really bad time of it at the moment. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Hopefully things will change after your op.

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