I’ve had a few incidents in the last few days which have left me feeling very on edge and stressed. They have had a definite knock on effect in my comorbid stuff, especially the OCD.
The first thing was that I ticced and knocked the scabs off of the top of my head. For those of you who know what I just had done, you will understand – for others I’m sorry if the amount of panic attributed to this seems cryptic or trivial. One of them bled a bit and was effectively re-opened. I spun out in a fairly major way, was making Holly clean her hands and change her clothes before she even touched me – had a general panic over that. I’ve been in contact with the hospital who have asked me to send photos in and they will get back to me in a few days and tell me if I need to come in.
The second one was nothing to do with the head like I initially thought, but apparently probably to do with the potential heart condition that they discovered when I was in hospital. They got in a bit of a panic one morning because my heart BPM was in the mid forties – something which I was fairly un-bothered by as it was observed in the low thirties once last year when I was in hospital. They have told me that this is what may be responsible for the times when I white out and am unresponsive for a few minutes, I think that it’s called “Bradycardia” but don’t call me on that. Anyway they want me to have a something called a 24 hour tape done on my heart to see if anything major is going on.
The need for this was highlighted on Saturday when I was transferring from the toilet to my wheelchair, which was in front of me. I stood up, felt a little light headed, had an axial drop (the tic where I dropped to my knees) and started to hyper-extend backwards. The last thing I remember is trying really hard not to go backwards because as I previously mentioned I have accidentally re-opened one of the wounds on top of my head. After that it is blank, the next thing I remember Holly was helping me get up and into my chair and then I remember starting to go fuzzy and almost passing out, afterwards I felt very fuzzy and sluggish for around 10 minutes or so. Apparently when she came in to the bathroom I appeared to be having a minor fit, swaying back and forth – this has happened before when I have a seizure-type event and I am unresponsive and stuck in a loop which is like a chunk of whatever movement I was trying to perform at the time. The hospital are fairly certain that this is to do with my heart, not my head, as they didn’t discover any neurological damage when they scanned my brain.
So as a result of all that, and a couple of other personal goings on that I don’t wish to discuss in public, things have gone through the roof a bit in the last few days. The tics are nowhere near as bad as before at the moment, but are definitely making a gradual return (which sucks ass, I was enjoying being calmer all of the time).
My OCD went into overdrive this morning, I am still only just getting my head in to order. I have almost pure obsessional OCD, I don’t have many compulsions just obsessive and intrusive thoughts. Often even after the event(s) that trigger it I’m left in a panic like state for hours – it’s almost like a feeling of adrenaline in the centre of my chest, it’s oppressive and uncomfortable. Today’s trigger may not seem like much to most people – but coupled with my current problem of open head-wounds it spun me out big time!
I had someone come out to fix the washing machine, when they opened it the thing was a third full of really foul smelling, stagnant water. I went off to the toilet only to come back and find that the man was using a baking tray, a bowl and one of our saucepans to bail it out. He was also upending the pan into the sink and it was splashing over everything, running over the back of the sink, splattering all over the floor and generally (in OCD land) contaminating everything. It wouldn’t usually have gotten to me so badly but I ended up calling my gran to come down and deep clean the kitchen. I got rid of the baking tray and the bowl, my nan stopped me from getting rid of the pan too and I watched as she washed it in boiling water several times.
Seems so stupid written down like that, doubtless you probably think it’s a silly reaction. But something that people need to understand about OCD is that is is NOT a rational thing. Thinking both logically and rationally I can see that although there was a risk to my health in my current state it was nowhere near the level that I obsessed. But being able to see that does not stop the intrusive thought processes from kicking in and driving me to panic.