Unexpected Body Issues
Ahhh joy. My body image issues have gone and reared their ugly head.
As stupid as it sounds this all started not long after I got my haircut. It started with a general feeling that I don’t feel like myself anymore, then progressed quickly on to that old chestnut of “Oh god I’m hideously fat” after passing for a brief stop at how it feels like I am permanently restricted from a lot of activities now for the rest of my life. I know that the last one is probably blown out of proportion completely, but I do feel like I have to be extra careful with my head and chest now.
This makes me seem shallow and superficial but at the moment out of everything that could possibly be getting me down; being stuck inside most of the time, being unemployed etc or the fact that I’m putting on weight – the final one wins every time. I’m looking in the mirror and I’m seeing a person I don’t know. I haven’t seen this much extra padding on my body in a long time. Coupled with the feeling that parts my body have suddenly become something foreign to me, a feeling that can’t explain, I am getting pretty depressed. Oh I’m good at covering it up (most of the time) but I’m now back to battling with the urge to starve myself or puke up after I’ve eaten for the first time in a while. So far I haven’t, but every day I feel more fat. The worst thing is that my feeling depressed is leading me to binge eat food at the moment – which was one of the initial triggers years ago. Comfort eating masses of food because I felt depressed.
For those that don’t know, I did have a rather unpleasant brush with an eating disorder some half a decade ago now. I dropped around six stone, before I stopped weighing myself, in a matter of a few months through binge eating and making myself sick every time I ate (then eventually starvation as I burst an eardrum trying to be sick) and obsessive exercising. I don’t like talking about it too openly to many people (only really people that I trust) because firstly, there does seem to be quite a stigma attached to males with eating disorders and secondly it makes me think about it – which often brings things to the surface.
I know that I definitely am putting on weight but I honestly can’t tell how much of what I’m seeing is real and how much is the “circus mirror” effect that you get when you have self image issues.
Gah! I’m just going to hit post before I delete the entire post and don’t bother. Feels like I’m exposing myself in a very vulnerable position here. 😦