Hello 2015 (belatedly!)
Thought that maybe I should do a start of year post recapping 2014 and a little bit of 2013!
Firstly I’d like to post this, with regards to 2013 (when this current episode started) as I think that it is particularly relevant to the situation:
Looking back, before this current episode occurred, I was the calmest I have been in a long, long time! Hindsight is always 20/20 I guess – but after reading “The Man Who Mistook His Wife For A Hat” by Oliver Sacks (I highly recommend that book, it is insanely interesting!) I can see now that I should have identified a feeling of being too well. Sort of a calm before the storm I guess. Not that it would have helped, it just would have been nice to have some advance warning!
I was doing all of my normal stuff – working hard, playing hard (going out on walks, shooting targets with friends, playing music etc) and then boom – suddenly it’s so bad that I can’t walk or work and then it reached the point where I was admitted to hospital! I’m not quite sure when the worst of it was – it could have been any number of points. It definitely peaked before I was admitted though. The problem is my pride kept me from doing the sensible thing and staying put. I was still trying to go out and walk around (even though I kept landing on my head and knees), still trying to do normal stuff which, in hindsight was putting me in a stupid amount of danger!
I think that in a lot of ways, however horrible it has been, this entire experience has opened my eyes a lot. I’ve had to confront the worst that the Tourette’s has ever thrown at me and I feel like a stronger person for coming out of the other side of it still smiling. I’m not trying to say there haven’t been some low points along the way – I have had to confront a lot of comorbid issues as well not least the depression and suicidal ideation that has come along with some of the lowest points, eating issues, feeling like a prisoner in my own home. You get the point. But I still have my sense of humour and I’m still trying hard not to be bitter.
Unfortunately a huge amount of the stuff that went on in 2014 I can’t talk about – I’m hoping to be given permission to make those posts public soon and then I will be able to talk about it a bit more, but I do completely understand the reasons that I am not able to for the time being. But there is some stuff that I can talk about.
For me, 2014 was a year of:
- Getting married! My crazy, crazy partner-in-crime Hollie actually became my crazy crazy wife! (She’s crazy, if you haven’t already gotten the gist of this.)
- Finding out who my real friends were, losing a couple along the way, gaining a few new faces in my life and getting back in contact with some old ones!
- Having to face up to my pride and stare it down. Being told that trying to continue as normal and putting your knees (and other body parts) through that sort of punishment is going to result in permanent damage was a big thing.
- Experiencing a couple of days where I was basically tic free for the first time. (I can’t talk more about that, but I really wanted to mention it because it was the most amazing feeling ever!)
- Every day being arm day! Seriously my arms are strong from all this wheeling myself about now. The flip-side there is that I’ve lost the one part of my body that I actually liked (my behind!) – but I’m sure I can get that back in the future.
- Learning to accept help and not decline it. Might not seem like a big deal but I’ve always been a very independent person. Come back to the pride thing I think, but I’m now better at accepting assistance when it is offered and I’m also getting a bit less uncomfortable about asking for it. (Not much though.)
- Finally getting a place that is accessible and suited to Hollie and myself for the long term! The added bonus, we got to decorate it ourselves!
I’m going to end the list here because I’ve run out of ideas! But I will add to it if I think of anything else. 🙂
So what am I expecting/hoping for from 2015?
Well firstly I’d like to finally get out of this wheelchair. As it stands I can get up for short periods, I can even take a couple of steps. But it always ends the same way – arched backward, dropping to the floor or a (painful) combination of the pair. So that’s my main target for this year, I want to get up and about. I’d also like to get myself employed again, because I am missing work something chronic. Yes, yes, I am one of those weirdos that actually likes to work.
To be absolutely honest? The main thing I want out of 2015 is for it to be better than 2014. Overall I feel that 2014 was a slight improvement over 2013, so if I can keep following that (admittedly, slow) upward trend, that would be just fine.
Oh yeah and I am going to stop procrastinating about stuff (like writing blog posts). Eh, actually, I’ll leave that until next year. 😛
Belated Happy New Year to anybody reading this!